THE tell-tale signs of a marriage heading for the rocks can come in many forms. It's sad to see married couples snapping at each other or excessively criticising one another in a public display of defiance. They know that they put the most sacred vows in jeopardy but when they feel the end is near they let their matrimonial guard down.

As an elderly aunt of mine once told me, "There's no cure for a heart that knows no bounds."

It's sad when the cracks start opening up and the pressure builds up between two people who thought they had something strong going on not so long ago. Suddenly, all the years of hard work put in to build a foundation of a seemingly formidable bond, collapse like a house of cards. Pride and the clash of two personalities that once worked like one, separate and melt away in a flame of discontent.

"We had four wonderful years and no regrets when our marriage ended," someone close to me said.

My shock was profound but the puzzle in his words was too hard to crack.

How could you have four wonderful years and then decide to end the marriage? All right, marriage in Islam is a contract between two consenting adults, but the lease does not necessarily expire.

"Some see matrimony as a milkshake," a friend said. You drink it with a straw and then throw away the plastic cup - and repeat the same thing when you are hit by another craving."

There's no dearth of people marrying on a whim, just to satisfy a craving.

They see it like a fizzy drink that sparkles when first opened and quickly becomes flat as time goes by. While it takes two to tango, marriage can be one-sided when only one partner has to put in all the efforts.

"My marriage enters its thirty-first year next week," a woman told me. "But I am the one who is counting."

She didn't have to elaborate because I knew what was going on in her marriage. She has been tying every thread of that holy knot that bonds them and regularly checking its tightness for 31 years. And what has her spouse been doing all the time?

"Managing to stay married just for the sake of it," she bitterly told me.

Marriage can be a real thing or an act depending on the commitment of the partners. The phrase 'sleeping partner' rings true here and the cliché is a literal one for many couples. The couple who had 'four wonderful years' spent most of their short marriage being busy in separate jobs that demanded most of their waking time.

"The only time we spent six solid hours together in a day was in bed," one of them told me.

Is marriage then a fling that erodes with years? It can be, if certain rules are not observed. I once came across this phrase: "Never criticise your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you."

"He sees faults in me but if I point out his, he gets mad," was yet another complaint from a discontented spouse.

The mud you sling at your partner leaves a permanent stain, which is a testimony of your own failings. Words can have a wonderful effect, but when used to expose your partner's failings, the brutal truth can be harmful to a marriage.

"A successful marriage is to side-step controversial issues and talk about common subjects that you both enjoy," says a veteran of 42 years of matrimony.

True? I don't know, but it may help.

 Readers comments:

"I have read many articles on the issue of marriages going sour and unfaithful spouses and this one makes a lot of sense. Everyone who starts to have any feelings for the 'other' in his/her life should give a thought to the words written in this article by Saleh. But, as a husband who is recovering from the betrayal by his wife, I would go a step further to the aspect of infidelity arising out, in such sacred relationships which are also a cause of fragility to the point of snap. The most common excuse given by such Unfaithful wives/husbands is, "I love my wife/husband very much, but I just couldn't resist..."  From a husbands point of view, I would like to state that wives who feel that way, but find themselves in a situation where they are thinking about having an affair or unable to get out of it, please allow me to tell you how it is for a husband whose wife loved him, "but ...". My story is Short and Simple. I think many people do not understand what the consequences to their actions will be. In terms of an affair, I think it often doesn't seem real to the adulterer. It's like a movie. It's exciting. And, most of the time, it's something that was only going to happen once. The reality of an affair is that it isn't something that happens just once. Even if you only have one romantic encounter, your affair will be forever in your history. It changes everything. It changes you, your husband, your marriage, absolutely everything. As a husband whose wife confessed to him for having an extra marital affair, I can honestly say the pain is something I've never encountered before. My wife had a three month affair which, in my mind, shattered five years we had built together. Our wedding pictures bring me sadness. Birthdays, holidays, special occasions have all become awkward and strained. Any good time we have together is now bittersweet, because I think to myself, "we are so good together, why did you do what you did?!" I don't trust my wife like I used to. I used to believe that she could never lie to me. I used to believe that she could never, ever, cheat on me. I used to believe, without a second thought, how much she loved me, and what I meant to her. Now all of that belief comes with a concentrated effort on my part. Each "I love you" I hear from her is analyzed before it's accepted. Each trip she takes to the gym, or the grocery store, brings me to a place that I have to fight in order to breathe, because I'm not positive she's going where she tells me. And, each day as I wake up, I have to make a conscious decision to let go of all the hurt and distrust I feel. My wife does love me, and she did when she had her affair. She has since learned that there can never be any "buts". If you love someone, and they love you, it is your responsibility to honor them and protect their heart. If you love someone and you are feeling the pull from an outside source, it is your responsibility to get help so that you don't succumb to whatever it is that is pulling you away from your spouse. Your spouse deserves your honesty and your dedication to make the marriage work. Last thing, affairs aren't just hell for the betrayed spouse. My wife, on a daily (and almost hourly basis) goes through her own hell. She has learned that regret is the worst emotion you can ever feel. Even with all I have gone through, I truly feel sorry for her, because she never let herself realize what she was doing -- she truly didn't. And, now that the realization comes to her every day, it is almost too much for her to take. If you love your husband, do just that; love him. Find out why you are feeling other emotions; the real core reasons why. I think you will find, without fail, that those emotions (or temptations) aren't what you thought they were. Just my two cents." - - - A Recovering Husband   "You're right on 100% of your analysis. Your words are so well put, gentle and yet to the point and cannot be disputed in any way. I'm sobbing because I am a wife that hit a breakdown in her life which overcame all reason, sanity and judgment. I not only betrayed my husband over 10 years, but my children. Our marriage is in essence now over, but I'll never get over it and I doubt he will. We've found we're each others best friends still and he's realized what it means to be lonely. I used to tell him how I felt, how lonely and aching I was for his time and company and intimacy with him and he never understood -- unfortunately now he does. I guess the only thing I'd add to your post is this: If you're a husband and your wife is trying in her own way to tell you something is wrong, DON'T ignore her warning signs, her distance, her sadness, her words or her requests and pleas. Too many times a husband puts it off, ignores it or minimizes it to something like PMS. And, too many times husbands think they can get through whatever it is WITHOUT counseling -- if a wife says she feels you need counsel, then go!!! You may not think so, but to even hear her out a time or two may be all it takes to save your marriage. Couples need to PAY ATTENTION or pay a lawyer. My husband used to say counseling cost too much and we didn't need it. I used to say it was counseling or we'd not make it because we needed to get things dealt with -- now we're paying for two residences, double expenses on all counts and I'm now paying for the counseling I needed (we needed) back when. And, our lawyers are getting their share of the money. No one won this battle, when it could've been won by us because we both loved each other and still do." - - - A Recovering Wife    We don't know the details of your marriage, or anything about you or your husband, other than what you've offered. But, if we may, let us give you an observation. You told your husband you needed more attention, love, romance, etc. He wasn't listening. Do you truly believe that justifies what you did? What you are doing is pretty common, but it isn't right. Yes, you have needs that your husband should be sensitive to. And you have every right to be upset, frustrated and angry with him for ignoring your needs (especially when you bring them to his attention). But an affair does not address those needs, it doesn't even fill them. All it does is create a momentary fulfillment of the surface emotions, while leaving the deeper "needs" completely unfulfilled. You're digging another hole to fill the one you're in. Your husband may have some serious issues he needs to address. But, you're adding an issue that is monumentally bigger than any existing issue by having an affair. Two wrongs don't make a right, and it's just never right to have an affair.  - - - Guided Ones